| Saying/Quote |
Nature |
Element |
Score |
| Piss Off |
 |
 |
306 |
| If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play |
 |
 |
303 |
| There's something about watching an animal that puts you in contact with where we came from and what we're still a part of |
 |
|
302 |
| Me? You started it! |
|
|
295 |
| It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor |
|
 |
293 |
| You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to tell people that life's about change |
|
|
291 |
| Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited |
|
|
290 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| It's alright, he's only choking! |
|
|
289 |
| I am due to come to Europe in November but I may be tied up until then because if Barack Obama gets the nomination I'm going to offer my services to him as a speechwriter because I think he is a brilliant man |
 |
|
288 |
| I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh |
|
|
284 |
| I tend to have an odd split in my mind: I tend to look at it as a writer and when the writing thing is OK and I'm happy with it, then I put on my actor's hat |
|
|
282 |
| If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if I can persuade you to laugh at the particular point I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge its truth |
|
|
281 |
| In Britain, girls seem to be either bright or attractive. In America, that's not the case. They're both |
|
 |
280 |
| Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation, look, please try to understand before one of us dies |
|
|
278 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| I started to make harder jokes before anyone else did. And the producers would get anxious. They'd say, "That's a little bit hard-edged, isn't it?" And I'd say, "Let's just try it and see how the audience reacts. If they don't like it, let's cut it out". And the audience roared with laughter, so I learned you could do this harder humor and people loved it |
|
|
277 |
| I did have a dreadful mother. Isn't that a terrible thing to say? But it's true. She was classically self-centred. Always thought entirely of herself. And she lived to 101 - I thought I'd never get rid of her |
|
|
271 |
| Oh, "him". He's hopeless, isn't he? |
|
|
270 |
| Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you |
 |
|
269 |
| If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat? |
|
|
267 |
| Don't let anyone tell you what you ought to like. Some wines that some experts think are absolutely exquisite don't appeal to me at all |
|
|
266 |
| I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire, and that's to get rid of all my other desires |
|
|
265 |
| Don't be alarmed, it's only my wife laughing |
|
|
262 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| He who laughs most, learns best |
|
|
258 |
| When I was a child and I was upset about something, my mother was not capable of containing that emotion, of letting me be upset but reassuring me, of just being with me in a calming way. She always got in a flap, so I not only had my own baby panics, fears and terrors to deal with, but I had to cope with hers, too. Eventually I taught myself to remain calm when I was panicked, in order not to upset her. In a way, she had managed to put me in charge of her. At 18 months old, I was doing the parenting |
|
|
257 |
| I have decided that when we get to 85 it'll be "To hell with it". It's going to be drugs, orgies and a lot of cream |
|
|
256 |
| Who's ever going to write a film in which I get the girl? Me! |
|
|
255 |
| You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona |
|
|
255 |
| That didn't hurt, did it? |
|
|
254 |
| The really good idea is always traceable back quite a long way, often to a not very good idea which sparked off another idea that was only slightly better, which somebody else misunderstood in such a way that they then said something which was really rather interesting |
|
|
254 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky |
|
|
252 |
| Hello?... Ah, yes Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together, you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion |
|
|
251 |
| No, not your hamster. How could I knock a nail in with a hamster? Well, I could try, couldn't I? |
|
|
251 |
| Manuel, you're a waste of space |
|
|
250 |
| I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing |
|
|
249 |
| The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack |
|
|
248 |
| I'm "so" sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I "do" apologize, "please" forgive me. Now, was there something, is there something, anything, I can do for you? Anything at all? |
|
|
247 |
| Yes you did, you invaded Poland |
|
|
247 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| Well, at least it's "fresh" puke! |
|
|
246 |
| Of course, it's true that I don't have the raw energy that I used to, but I am craftier about finding ways of keeping things simple |
|
|
244 |
| Well, of course it's a rat. You have rats in Spain, don't you - or did Franco have them all shot? |
|
|
244 |
| Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries |
|
|
243 |
| My mum died about three years ago at the age of 101, and just towards the end, as she began to run out of energy, she did actually stop trying to tell me what to do most of the time |
|
|
243 |
| It is not nasty, it's superb |
|
|
242 |
| What are you doing? Are you just going to stand there? |
|
|
242 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress |
|
|
241 |
| I think that sometimes you do something that makes a small group of people laugh, which is all we were trying to do; we were just trying to make each other laugh |
|
|
240 |
| Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers - which is why almost no technology ever works |
|
|
240 |
| I can never do better than Fawlty Towers whatever I do. Now I very much want to teach young talent some rules of the game |
|
|
239 |
| If you wish to kill yourself but lack the courage to, I think a visit to Palmerston North will do the trick |
|
|
238 |
| Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been |
|
|
236 |
| Oh spiffing. Absolutely spiffing. Well done. Two dead, Twenty-five to go |
|
|
236 |
| Do you know what that fire extinguisher did? It exploded in my face. I mean, what is the point of a fire extinguisher? It sits there for months, and when you actually have a fire - when you actually need the bloody thing - it blows your head off! I mean, what is happening to this country? |
|
|
235 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me |
|
|
235 |
| I'm probably the worst singer in Europe. I won't compete for North America |
|
|
235 |
| When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play as well |
|
|
234 |
| But then acting is all about faking. We're all very good at faking things that we have no competence with |
|
|
233 |
| A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed |
|
|
232 |
| When the target audience is American teenage kids, you can have problems. My generation prized really fine acting and writing. Sometimes you have to go back to the basic principles which underpin great visual comedy |
|
|
232 |
| I never watch the re-runs |
|
|
231 |
| Oh, don't, please stay, you'll like it here |
|
|
231 |
| You snobs! You stupid... stuck-up... half-witted... upper-class piles of... pus! |
|
|
231 |
| I don't think anyone should be educated sexually. There's far too many people on the planet. If we could hush it up for a few years, that would help |
|
|
230 |
| Well perhaps you should consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea, preferably in it |
|
|
230 |
| Why don't you talk properly? |
|
|
230 |
| 600 years ago we would have been burned for this. Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced |
|
|
229 |
| Oh, it's my fault is it? I thought it was your fault for falling asleep or Manuel's fault for not waking you, and all the while it was "my" fault. Oh, it's so obvious now I've seen the light! Well, I must be punished then, mustn't I? |
|
|
229 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| Ah, wonderful! Vonderbar! Ahh! Please allow me to introduce myself, I am the owner of Fawlty Towers. And may I welcome your war... your war... you all... and hope that your stay will be a happy one. Now, would you like to eat first, or would you like a drink before the war... AHH! Er... trespassers will be tied up with piano wire... SORRY, SORRY! |
|
|
228 |
| Right. Well, obviously if there was a fire you would all be standing down here like this, right here in the lobby. Wouldn't you? I don't know why we bother. We should let you all burn |
|
|
227 |
| I had not seen it for a long time and was suddenly embarrassed to find that I was laughing more than anyone |
|
|
226 |
| I'll put an ad in the papers. Wanted, kind home for enormous savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil |
|
|
226 |
| Oh, what is it now? Can't you leave me in peace? |
|
|
226 |
| Start. Start, you vicious bastard. Oh my God. I'm warning you, if you don't start, I'll count to three. 1, 2, 3, right, that does it |
|
|
225 |
| We have a Spanish porter at the moment, he's from Barcelona. It'd be quicker to train an ape! |
|
|
224 |
| I can't do it any more because I've had a hip replacement - probably because I did so much of it. I don't know how I even managed in the first place |
|
|
223 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking Do you want fries with that? |
|
|
223 |
| Well it's got blue things on it |
|
|
223 |
| Yes, yes, I picked it up... Yes... No, no, I haven't had a chance yet... Yes, I will... Yes... No, I haven't yet, but I will... Yes, yes, yes, I know it is... Yes, I'll try and get it cleared up... Anything else? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left? |
|
|
223 |
| American women: Can't afford to live with them. Can't afford to pay them $2 million a year |
|
|
222 |
| I was just doing it, you stupid woman. I just put it down, to come here and be reminded by you to do what I'm already doin. What is the point in reminding me to do what I'm already doing? What is the bloody point? I'm doing it aren't I? |
|
|
222 |
| Manuel, my wife informs me that you're... depressed. Let me tell you something. Depression is a very bad thing. It's like a virus. If you don't stamp on it, it spreads throughout the mind, and then one day you wake up in the morning and you... you can't face life any more! |
|
|
222 |
| It seems astounding to me now that the video games are perhaps as important as the movie themselves. And people will spend 2 or 3 years obsessing about the video game in exactly the same way that they'd be obsessing about the movie if they were working on that |
|
|
221 |
| ARSE I have to put up with from you people. You ponce in here expecting to be waited on hand and foot, while I'm trying to run a hotel here. Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not, you're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble. Well I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough. I've had it. Come on, pack your bags and get out |
|
|
220 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears? |
|
|
220 |
| Well, if you don't like duck, you're rather stuck |
|
|
220 |
| There's so many good people producing wine now, It's just amazing. There's so much on the shelves. You don't have to go buy those overpriced wines |
|
|
219 |
| I think it's harder to find an audience if you are older, because so much comedy is aimed at young audiences. But I sense that there are still enough people out there who like what I do |
|
|
218 |
| It's lovely that Harry Potter and the Bond movies are still shot in England - that's a great pleasure, but it's true that most of the well-paid work is in America |
|
|
218 |
| I knew it. I knew this would happen if we hired a Frenchman |
|
|
217 |
| I'll ruin you! You'll never waitress in Torquay again! |
|
|
217 |
| The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip |
|
|
217 |
| When you get to the age of 64 and you can't do one or two of the things that Bond does, it will be a nice little fantasy for me |
|
|
216 |
| God was treated like this powerful, erratic, rather punitive father who has to be pacified and praised. You know, flattered |
|
|
214 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| I want to write a book which is the history of comedy |
|
|
214 |
| For me, the great problem growing up in England was that I had a very narrow concept of what God can be, and it was damn close to an old man with a beard |
|
|
213 |
| I'll have them removed if they're bothering you |
|
|
213 |
| No, that particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off |
|
|
211 |
| I'm so sorry at the rubbish we get in here |
|
|
210 |
| Well that's worse. They invented it |
|
|
210 |
| You wouldn't understand, dear, it's called "style" |
|
|
210 |
| Hello, Fawlty titties |
|
|
209 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| I'm too tired to write new comedy |
|
|
209 |
| No! Look, what's the matter with you all? It's perfectly simple: we have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell. That wasn't the fire bell! |
|
|
209 |
| Walnuts! That's a laugh! Easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen! |
|
|
209 |
| Did you ever see that film "How To Murder Your Wife"? |
|
|
208 |
| I think there's much more fear now than there used to be, much more fear of failure |
|
|
207 |
| Wine is wonderful stuff. But so many people are put off by the snobbery of it |
|
|
207 |
| You go in and meet the head of BBC One and get an assurance about not dumbing down. And then, of course a few months later, he's been replaced by someone you haven't met |
|
|
207 |
| Oh, must we go through this every time? A hammer |
|
|
206 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| We stay in contact vaguely because there are often little things to discuss, but I don't think we've been in a room together for four years |
|
|
206 |
| Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right |
|
|
205 |
| Look, my wife enjoys herself. I worry |
|
|
205 |
| Sounds like somebody machine-gunning a seal |
|
|
205 |
| A man will give up almost anything except his suffering |
|
|
204 |
| It's a catchy tune. Hopefully you'll be hearing it on a football terrace near you, very, very soon |
|
|
202 |
| No, not a bill! I own the place! |
|
|
202 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| Well, couldn't a few of you go into the bar or dining room. I mean, use your imagination? |
|
|
202 |
| If you lined up from Europe; left wingers, centrists, right wingers you would find 10%, you might even find 5% that think she's good enough to run the United States |
|
|
201 |
| I can't tell you how scary it can be walking onto a movie and suddenly joining this family, it's like going to somebody else's Christmas dinner, everyone knows everyone, and you're there and you're not quite sure what you're supposed to be doing |
|
|
200 |
| Come on out! Rause! Rause! Rause! |
|
|
199 |
| I was very sad to hear of the death of Ronnie Barker, who was such a warm, friendly and encouraging presence to have when I started in television. He was also a great comic actor to learn from |
|
|
198 |
| Oh, my. What shape do you prefer? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing-craft shape? Poke-in-the-eye shape? |
|
|
198 |
| Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests |
|
|
196 |
| Yes it's her husband. She hasn't got over it. Died thirty years ago |
|
|
195 |
| No, I'm going to have my say, into people's private, um, details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts. Details! |
|
|
194 |
| At my age, I want to wake up and see sunshine pouring in through the windows every day |
|
|
193 |
| I would find it easier to cope with some of the cretins who come here, my little nest of vipers, if I had a smidgen of cooperation from you |
|
|
193 |
| Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times |
|
|
193 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| You think I don't know? I mean, you only have to eat here. We have to live with it. I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona, but you can't get the staff you see. It's a nightmare |
|
|
193 |
| Do you remember when we were first "manacled" together? We used to laugh quite a lot |
|
|
190 |
| You'll have to sew em back on first! |
|
|
190 |
| I've been trying to get through to the speaking clock. Well, it's engaged. Well, it's been engaged for ten minutes. How is this possible? My wife isn't talking to it |
|
|
188 |
| No, no, you didn't dear, quite right. No, I just picked that one up to annoy you, actually |
|
|
188 |
| Oh, splendid! Ah, yes, but "when", Mr O'Reilly? |
|
|
187 |
| We don't "have" any salad cream |
|
|
187 |
| She will be back here in four hours and she can kill a man at ten paces with one blow of her tongue! How am I supposed not to worry? |
|
|
186 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| I'm sorry Michael Palin to say that you're not the funniest Palin anymore |
|
|
185 |
| The trouble with the British is that they are not interested in ideas. If Jesus came back today and offered to speak for an hour on British television, they would say, "What! Another talking head? |
|
|
185 |
| It's exactly the same territory, and it's a complete coincidence |
|
|
183 |
| Madam, I don't mean to pry, but do you by any chance have a hearing aid? |
|
|
183 |
| Because, it doesn't sound like the fire bell |
|
|
182 |
| Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones? |
|
|
182 |
| Coming my little piranha fish |
|
|
181 |
| So this Finnish floozy is your karate teacher is she? |
|
|
181 |
| Yes well, forgive and forget, Major, God knows how, the bastards |
|
|
181 |
| These "are" proper French-fried potatoes. The chef is Continental |
|
|
180 |
| BASTARRRDDD! |
|
|
178 |
| I did read a lot of the Bond novels when I was in my 20s and they're very good. I mean they're very good bits of writing |
|
|
178 |
| I never enjoyed The Meaning of Life. I always regarded that entire film as a bit of a cockup |
|
|
178 |
| No, I went a few minutes ago dear, but I expect I'll be back shortly |
|
|
177 |
| Splendid, we will have the fire drill which will commence in exactly 30 seconds from now. Thank you |
|
|
175 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| For example, I've just seen some of the footage for Shrek 2, which will be coming out in May. And the character that I'm playing there, the king, doesn't look the slightest bit like me. Whereas a lot of the Shrek characters do look ever so slightly like the actors or actresses who are voicing them |
|
|
174 |
| Yes... done of course in three extremely different ways |
|
|
174 |
| Well, there's the bread, and there's the mayonnaise |
|
|
172 |
| This is supposed to be a fire drill |
|
|
170 |
| You can get your wife to sit on em! |
|
|
170 |
| Get a hhhammer and hhhit you on the hhhead with it |
|
|
169 |
| Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear? |
|
|
169 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| No, no no no, look, look - that was the burglar alarm |
|
|
167 |
| I wish you'd help a bit, you're always refurbishing yourself |
|
|
166 |
| Look, it doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started yet |
|
|
166 |
| There is too much butter on those trays |
|
|
166 |
| It is absolutely impossible to get even a majority of us together in a room, and I'm not joking. It just happens very, very seldom - every three years or something |
|
|
163 |
| Tie's a bit bright, isn't it, Major? |
|
|
159 |
| Ah, Manuel? There is too much butter on those trays |
|
|
158 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| This is Basil's wife. This is Basil. This is a smack in the head |
|
|
158 |
| You can see the sea, it is over there between the land and the sky |
|
|
158 |
| Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount if we get them both done |
|
|
157 |
| I think we're just out of Waldorfs |
|
|
151 |
| It will give the lobby a certain ambiance, it has a touch of style about it |
|
|
150 |
| Why "do" they call you sister? Is it a term of endearment? |
|
|
150 |
| The thrill I got discovering Buster Keaton when I was growing up was so exciting. He was one of the greats |
|
|
147 |
| John Cleese Quotes - Ultimate ESQ John Cleese Quotes Collection |
| Er... that's duck without oranges or cherries |
|
|
146 |
| Can we get you something else Mr. Hutchinson? A tea cosy for your pepper pot perhaps? |
|
|
143 |
| Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly that and the potato famine I suppose |
|
|
142 |
| Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas |
|
|
141 |
| Still trying to run a hotel and getting it wrong |
|
|
138 |
| Excuse me - would you say that was a "P" or a "B"? |
|
|
135 |
| Next contestant - Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Special subject - the bleedin obvious |
|
|
135 |
| Yes, but when? Yes, yes... ah!... the flu! |
|
|
124 |
| Stupidissimo! Continental cretin! |
|
|
120 |
| There, does it say Boff or does it say Poff? |
|
|
117 |
| |
|
|
|
