| Author |
Quote |
Score |
| Oscar Wilde | There is no sin except stupidity |
323 |
| Xiaoping Deng | Black cat or white cat, as long as it catches mice it's a good cat |
318 |
| Ingvar Kamprad | Only those who are asleep make no mistakes |
317 |
| Ingvar Kamprad | I'm stingy and I'm proud of the reputation |
314 |
| Barack Obama | What Washington needs is adult supervision |
313 |
| Zig Ziglar | A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job |
311 |
| Clint Eastwood | I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it |
309 |
| Karl Marx | Religion is the opium of the masses |
309 |
| Clint Eastwood | Watch this if you like, and if you don't, take a hike |
308 |
| Gandhi | What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea |
308 |
| Oscar Wilde | To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance |
308 |
| Oscar Wilde | Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat |
307 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Will Smith | I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts |
307 |
| Boris Becker | I'm not a God, I make mistakes |
306 |
| Michael Phelps | I guess I might be the best athlete ever |
306 |
| Oscar Wilde | A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction |
306 |
| Clint Eastwood | If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster |
305 |
| Quentin Tarantino | Yeah, baby, that's what I'm talking about! |
305 |
| Oscar Wilde | I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot |
303 |
| Oscar Wilde | They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever |
303 |
| Ingvar Kamprad | It is better to be a bit stingy than throw money out of the window |
302 |
| Montgomery Burns | Dream on, bitch |
302 |
| Oscar Wilde | If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you |
301 |
| Eminem | Unless you want to fuck me, why do you care what I look like? |
300 |
| Oscar Wilde | I have but the simplest taste - I am always satisfied with the best |
300 |
| Gandhi | Democracy is not a state in which people act like sheep |
299 |
| Homer Simpson | If he's so smart, how come he's dead? |
299 |
| Karl Marx | Last words are for fools who haven't said enough |
299 |
| Karl Marx | The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people |
299 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Montgomery Burns | You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"! |
299 |
| Oscar Wilde | All art is quite useless |
299 |
| Oscar Wilde | I am not young enough to know everything |
299 |
| Oscar Wilde | Life is too important to be taken seriously |
299 |
| Cdin | Failure = no buckaroos! |
298 |
| Clint Eastwood | That's enough of that shit |
298 |
| Warren Buffet | Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote |
298 |
| Will Smith | Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit |
298 |
| Zig Ziglar | Money won't make you happy. But everybody wants to find out for themselves |
297 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman |
296 |
| Oscar Wilde | Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much |
295 |
| Oscar Wilde | I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying, dead |
295 |
| Oscar Wilde | One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry |
295 |
| Barack Obama | Couldn't find anyone out of the 12 million people in Illinois to run against me |
294 |
| Eminem | I do promote violence and I don't give a fuck |
294 |
| Oscar Wilde | I have nothing to declare except my genuis |
294 |
| Oscar Wilde | The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means |
294 |
| Oscar Wilde | Women are made to be loved, not understood |
294 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Warren Buffet | You only find out who is swimming naked when the tide goes out |
294 |
| Barack Obama | You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig |
293 |
| Cdin | I'm a fully equipped, atomizer skunk who simply chooses not to spray |
293 |
| Eminem | Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't be violent. Leave that to me |
293 |
| Gandhi | If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide |
293 |
| John Cleese | It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor |
293 |
| Will Smith | Why don't you look like one? |
293 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer |
292 |
| Gandhi | I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers |
292 |
| Oscar Wilde | Ambition is the last refuge of the failure |
292 |
| Oscar Wilde | Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same |
292 |
| Oscar Wilde | Time is a waste of money |
292 |
| Rowan Atkinson | Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book |
292 |
| John Cleese | You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to tell people that life's about change |
291 |
| Rowan Atkinson | Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine |
291 |
| Warren Buffet | I wouldn't mind going to jail if I had three cellmates who played bridge |
291 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Eminem | My thing is this; if I'm sick enough to think it, then I'm sick enough to say it |
290 |
| John Cleese | Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited |
290 |
| Karl Marx | History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce. |
290 |
| Oscar Wilde | Everything popular is wrong |
290 |
| Oscar Wilde | The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water |
290 |
| Shakespeare | Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything |
290 |
| John Cleese | It's alright, he's only choking! |
289 |
| Montgomery Burns | So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect? |
289 |
| Quentin Tarantino | When people ask me if I went to film school I tell them: No, I went to films |
289 |
| Shakespeare | I dote on his very absence |
289 |
| Zig Ziglar | If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag |
289 |
| Barack Obama | We're not going to baby sit a civil war |
288 |
| Karl Marx | Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form |
288 |
| Nelson Mandela | In my country we go to prison first and then become President |
288 |
| Oscar Wilde | The man who can dominate a London dinner table can dominate the world |
288 |
| Oscar Wilde | The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves |
288 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Will Smith | If you were me you'd look good |
288 |
| Aaliyah | Your talent should do the talking not a revealing outfit |
287 |
| Bruce Lee | A fight is not won by one punch or kick. Either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard |
287 |
| Oscar Wilde | It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances |
287 |
| Rowan Atkinson | You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest |
287 |
| Oscar Wilde | A poet can survive everything but a misprint |
286 |
| Oscar Wilde | The play was a great success but the audience was a disaster |
286 |
| Oscar Wilde | To make men Socialists is nothing, but to make Socialism human is a great thing |
286 |
| Warren Buffet | Our favorite holding period is forever |
285 |
| Cdin | If you live on donuts, rest assured you will not do well |
284 |
| Claude Debussy |
In opera, there is always too much singing |
284 |
| Eminem | Holy Gigantical Completely Natural Bulges! |
284 |
| Homer Simpson | Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! |
284 |
| John Cleese | I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh |
284 |
| Karl Marx | The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs |
284 |
| Montgomery Burns | You know, I'm no art critic. But I know what I hate |
284 |
| Oscar Wilde | We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars |
284 |
| Eminem | Sometimes you just gotta let shit go and say to "hell with it" and move on |
283 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Gandhi | An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind |
283 |
| Oscar Wilde | This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last |
283 |
| Pamela Anderson | I've been fortunate - I haven't had too many auditions. I slept with the right people |
283 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat |
282 |
| Clint Eastwood | We boil at different degrees |
282 |
| Oscar Wilde | Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities |
282 |
| Oscar Wilde | There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose |
282 |
| Pamela Anderson | It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people |
282 |
| Shakespeare | The empty vessel makes the loudest sound |
282 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | Hasta la vista, baby |
281 |
| Montgomery Burns | What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? |
281 |
| Vladimir Lenin | Any cook should be able to run the country |
281 |
| Alanis Morissette | What I have to say is far more important than how long my eyelashes are |
280 |
| Clint Eastwood | They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning |
280 |
| Oscar Wilde | Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go |
280 |
| Warren Buffet | Lethargy, bordering on sloth should remain the cornerstone of an investment style |
280 |
| Oscar Wilde | No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly |
279 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Oscar Wilde | Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast |
279 |
| Quentin Tarantino | I was an usher at this porno movie theater at 16. Lied about my age |
279 |
| Cdin | I keep getting side tracked. Warning to all - don't get side tracked |
278 |
| Eminem | I am whatever you say I am; if I wasn't, then why would you say I am |
278 |
| Jim Carrey | If I'm not back in five minutes, wait longer |
278 |
| Montgomery Burns | You don't have to sue me to get my pants off |
278 |
| Oscar Wilde | It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating |
278 |
| Oscar Wilde | The coward does it with a kiss |
278 |
| Oscar Wilde | We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities |
278 |
| Warren Buffet | I'd be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient |
278 |
| Aristotle | If at first the idea is absurd, then there is no hope for it |
277 |
| Homer Simpson | Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? |
277 |
| Jim Carrey | There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about |
277 |
| Cdin | I've been foolin' round all day. I am SOOO fired |
276 |
| Homer Simpson | Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems |
276 |
| Rowan Atkinson | I have a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel |
276 |
| Will Smith | It's woman like her why God made darkness |
276 |
| Homer Simpson | The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication |
275 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Montgomery Burns | Oh, you poor man. You're about to get poorer |
275 |
| Oscar Wilde | Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing |
275 |
| Oscar Wilde | I am always astonishing myself. It is the only thing that makes life worth living |
275 |
| Tiger Woods | I don't know if I even have an aura, man. I just try to win |
275 |
| Warren Buffet | In the insurance business, there is no statute of limitation on stupidity |
274 |
| Barack Obama | I've been called worse on the basketball court |
274 |
| Nicole Kidman | You're not anyone in America unless you're on TV |
274 |
| Oscar Wilde | Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination |
274 |
| Shakespeare | For my part, it was Greek to me |
273 |
| Karl Marx | I am not a Marxist |
273 |
| Oscar Wilde | Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching |
273 |
| Oscar Wilde | When good Americans die they go to Paris |
273 |
| Will Smith | OHHHH Hell No |
272 |
| Eminem | Fame hit me like a ton of bricks |
272 |
| Eminem | I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid? |
272 |
| Homer Simpson | That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too |
272 |
| Homer Simpson | You say that so often that it lost its meaning |
272 |
| Montgomery Burns | I ought to club them and eat their bones! |
272 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Oscar Wilde | I love acting. It is so much more real than life |
271 |
| Bruce Lee | I believe in sleeping |
271 |
| Oscar Wilde | Only the shallow know themselves |
271 |
| Shakespeare | He does it with better grace, but I do it more natural |
271 |
| Utada Hikaru | I'm not like a gorgeous bombshell or anything like that |
270 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it |
270 |
| Homer Simpson | See you in hell, dinner plate! |
270 |
| John Cleese | Oh, "him". He's hopeless, isn't he? |
270 |
| Nelson Mandela | I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying |
270 |
| Oscar Wilde | He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends |
269 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | Well, there was no sex for 14 days |
269 |
| Eminem | My earliest memory was raping the babysitter when I was 5. She was 15 |
269 |
| John Cleese | Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you |
269 |
| Nobuo Uematsu |
Complex music is not necessarily pleasant |
269 |
| Oscar Wilde | Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself |
269 |
| Warren Buffet | If past history was all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians |
268 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups |
268 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Jim Carrey | You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music |
268 |
| Oscar Wilde | Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both |
267 |
| Bruce Lee | If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you |
267 |
| Cdin | I don't think I'll EVER grow up even when I'm 92 |
267 |
| Montgomery Burns | Hmmm, eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar |
266 |
| Cdin | Wow... there's hope still |
266 |
| Jim Carrey | Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating |
266 |
| Oscar Wilde | I can resist anything but temptation |
266 |
| Oscar Wilde | The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast |
266 |
| Rowan Atkinson | Quite a nasty piece of work. Not the sort of person you'd want to have dinner with |
266 |
| Will Smith | Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week |
265 |
| Alanis Morissette | I want to walk through life instead of being dragged through it |
265 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento |
265 |
| Deepak Chopra | To think is to practice brain chemistry |
265 |
| Warren Buffet | If you have a harem of 40 women, you never get to know any of them very well |
264 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun |
264 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | The best activities for your health are pumping and humping |
264 |
| Cdin | Sometimes i'm so out there i forget where the door is to come back in |
264 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Eminem | Who's Tony Blair, did he get his dick sucked? Oh he ain't shit then |
264 |
| Homer Simpson | Oh sure. Even communism works. In theory |
263 |
| Jim Carrey | If you've got a talent, protect it |
263 |
| Will Smith | Do you see this? N-Y-P-D! Means I will knock your punk-ass down! |
262 |
| David Beckham | People don't think I've got the brains to be that clever |
262 |
| Deepak Chopra | There's no quick fix - that's take two aspirin and call me in the morning |
262 |
| Garfield | Diet is die with a "t" |
262 |
| Homer Simpson | I want the answers now or eventually! |
262 |
| Homer Simpson | Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out |
262 |
| Jim Carrey | I don't think anybody is interesting until they've had the shit kicked out of them |
262 |
| John Cleese | Don't be alarmed, it's only my wife laughing |
262 |
| Montgomery Burns | Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! |
262 |
| Oscar Wilde | Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future |
262 |
| Oscar Wilde | Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do |
262 |
| Oscar Wilde | One of the requisites of sanity is to disagree with the majority of the British public |
262 |
| Oscar Wilde | I like my chances! |
262 |
| Warren Buffet | If they need my help to manage the enterprise, we're probably both in trouble |
262 |
| Will Smith | When I turned 28, everything clicked. I even got way better in bed |
261 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Montgomery Burns | I'm a showman! |
261 |
| Oscar Wilde | Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer |
260 |
| Aristotle | Every rascal is not a thief, but every thief is a rascal |
260 |
| Barack Obama | I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse |
260 |
| Barack Obama | You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt |
260 |
| Cdin | Both u doods have ragin' sites. frick. It's competition time!!! |
260 |
| Homer Simpson | I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush |
260 |
| Oscar Wilde | I can believe anything as long as it is incredible |
260 |
| Will Smith | I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat |
259 |
| Cdin | Eat food like you shood |
259 |
| Eminem | Battling with somebody, you do anything you can to strip their manhood away |
259 |
| Garfield | I am hungry. Therefore I am |
259 |
| Jim Carrey | I'm kicking my ass. Do you mind? |
259 |
| Quentin Tarantino | The first two jobs I got totally had to do with like the porno industry |
258 |
| Cdin | I think I have become a forum monster |
258 |
| Oscar Wilde | I am dying as I have lived: beyond my means |
258 |
| Oscar Wilde | I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly |
258 |
| Shakespeare | This is the short and the long of it |
257 |
| Karl Marx | Human anatomy contains a key to the anatomy of the ape |
257 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Oscar Wilde | To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect |
257 |
| Quentin Tarantino | I guess I'll have to marry Elvis Presley to get even |
257 |
| Shakespeare | How well he's read, to reason against reading! |
256 |
| Homer Simpson | You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts |
256 |
| Montgomery Burns | Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun |
256 |
| Quentin Tarantino | Predicting the future, I'm not good at |
255 |
| Clint Eastwood | I always cry when I watch myself on screen |
255 |
| Homer Simpson | There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it |
255 |
| John Cleese | Who's ever going to write a film in which I get the girl? Me! |
255 |
| John Cleese | You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona |
254 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | If they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men |
254 |
| Cdin | This movie is so bad it warrants a new alphabet letter. FFF |
254 |
| Jim Carrey | Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else |
254 |
| John Cleese | That didn't hurt, did it? |
253 |
| Montgomery Burns | The watchdog of public safety, is there any lower form of life? |
253 |
| Oscar Wilde | I live in terror of not being misunderstood |
253 |
| Phoebe Buffay | No, but let's come back to that later! |
253 |
| Quentin Tarantino | Dogs got personality. Personality goes a long way |
252 |
| Homer Simpson | Jesus, Allah, Buddah. I love you all! |
252 |
| John Cleese | Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky |
252 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Montgomery Burns | Woah, slow down there maestro. There's a "New" Mexico? |
252 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Nothing rhymes with your stupid name |
252 |
| Will Smith | Never bring a sandwich to a buffet |
251 |
| Clint Eastwood | I've actually had people come up to me and ask me to autograph their guns |
251 |
| Deepak Chopra | I stick them in my wallet. They're more precious than the money |
251 |
| Homer Simpson | I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming |
250 |
| Cdin | I would criticize them all but they're getting rich and I'm stuck with bonbons |
250 |
| John Cleese | Manuel, you're a waste of space |
250 |
| Will Smith | Here I stand before you, the color of the night |
248 |
| Clint Eastwood | Probably the lousiest western ever made |
248 |
| Homer Simpson | Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! |
247 |
| John Cleese | Yes you did, you invaded Poland |
247 |
| Montgomery Burns | Is it wrong if I cheat to win a million-dollar bet? |
247 |
| Oscar Wilde | My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's |
247 |
| Will Smith | I didn't need him then, I won't need him now |
246 |
| Homer Simpson | Don't you think you're underreacting? |
246 |
| John Cleese | Well, at least it's "fresh" puke! |
246 |
| Oscar Wilde | However, it is always nice to be expected, and not to arrive |
246 |
| Oscar Wilde | No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating |
246 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Quentin Tarantino | The million movie, I'll make it look like a million movie |
246 |
| Shakespeare | There's many a man has more hair than wit |
246 |
| Will Smith | This has got to be a nine-point-oh on my weird-shit-o-meter |
245 |
| Montgomery Burns | I don't like being outdoors Smithers, for one thing, there's too many fat children |
245 |
| Warren Buffet | As far as you are concerned, the stock market does not exist. Ignore it |
244 |
| Oscar Wilde | Good taste is the excuse I've always given for leading such a bad life |
243 |
| Eminem | There were times when friends had to buy me fuckin' shoes! |
243 |
| Homer Simpson | It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen |
243 |
| John Cleese | Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries |
242 |
| Homer Simpson | Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people |
242 |
| John Cleese | What are you doing? Are you just going to stand there? |
242 |
| Oscar Wilde | I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability |
242 |
| Pamela Anderson | I still have your suspenders from last time |
242 |
| Quentin Tarantino | He picked up cherries off a block of ice with his butt! |
241 |
| Oscar Wilde | I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures |
240 |
| Will Smith | Well, all I know is what I read in the papers |
239 |
| Cdin | Many people love yummy delicious food to super plumpness which isn't healthy |
239 |
| Homer Simpson | Operator! Give me the number for 911! |
238 |
| Jim Carrey | I must say, you are a gloomy-looking bunch |
237 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, Thyroid problem? |
237 |
| Cdin | Doesn't mean I like u4it. In fact, ur a monster |
237 |
| Mother Teresa | I think I'm more difficult than critical |
237 |
| Oscar Wilde | A simile committing suicide is always a depressing spectacle |
236 |
| Homer Simpson | Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? |
236 |
| John Cleese | Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been |
236 |
| John Cleese | Oh spiffing. Absolutely spiffing. Well done. Two dead, Twenty-five to go |
236 |
| Will Smith | I have my methods, and that Toni's roommates have a combined IQ of a raisin |
236 |
| Will Smith | I hear you lost your swing. I guess we got to go find it |
235 |
| Homer Simpson | That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car* |
235 |
| John Cleese | I'm probably the worst singer in Europe. I won't compete for North America |
234 |
| Garfield | No need for a second opinion |
234 |
| Homer Simpson | A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds ... it makes ice |
234 |
| Homer Simpson | I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman |
234 |
| Montgomery Burns | I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called... iced cream |
234 |
| Nicole Kidman | What's the point of doing something good if nobody's watching |
234 |
| Oscar Wilde | The only creative thought one can have in an institution is how to get out |
234 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Phoebe Buffay | Oh, sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like! |
234 |
| Will Smith | I love being black in America, and especially being black in Hollywood |
233 |
| Boris Becker | So this is it. Match point for eternity |
232 |
| Homer Simpson | In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics |
232 |
| John Cleese | A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed |
231 |
| Aristotle | We can do noble acts without ruling the earth and sea |
231 |
| John Cleese | You snobs! You stupid... stuck-up... half-witted... upper-class piles of... pus! |
230 |
| Cdin | I am not a long term expert. so take advice with lots of organic salt |
230 |
| Cdin | u shood ignore me |
230 |
| Eminem | Somewhere deep down there's a decent man in me, he just can't be found |
230 |
| Jim Carrey | One man's toxic waste is another man's potpourri |
230 |
| John Cleese | Why don't you talk properly? |
230 |
| Oscar Wilde | A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally |
230 |
| Quentin Tarantino | Ben Affleck, he looked like a little girl! |
230 |
| Shakespeare | I am not bound to please thee with my answer |
229 |
| Garfield | If you are patient, and wait long enough, nothing will happen! |
229 |
| Lasse Hallstrom |
Complete portrait, warts and all |
229 |
| Phoebe Buffay | She was nice to me, but she's in hell for sure |
229 |
| Will Smith | Don't hate the player, hate the game |
228 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Aristotle | A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility |
228 |
| David Beckham | The buzz is still with me. I get goose bumps |
228 |
| David Beckham | I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done! |
228 |
| Shakespeare | When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools |
227 |
| Cdin | Enjoy life until you're 35. Then when you're as sick as dirt, change your ways |
227 |
| Garfield | You can't scare me. I have children! |
227 |
| Vladimir Lenin | It is true that liberty is precious - so precious that it must be rationed |
226 |
| Barack Obama | Why can't I just eat my waffle? |
226 |
| Garfield | His I.Q. is so low you can't test it. You have to dig for it |
226 |
| Homer Simpson | Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it |
226 |
| Jim Carrey | I have unpaid parking tickets |
226 |
| John Cleese | Oh, what is it now? Can't you leave me in peace? |
226 |
| Shakespeare | The lady doth protest too much, methinks |
225 |
| Barack Obama | I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party. We're not kissing cousins |
225 |
| Cdin | Well Starbucks saves my life all the time with wonderful milky black liquid drugs |
225 |
| Garfield | Avoid fruits and nuts: after all, you are what you eat |
225 |
| Phoebe Buffay | I can see why running next to me would be embarrassing for you |
224 |
| Garfield | Oh, you little suck-up! |
224 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Phoebe Buffay | And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality |
224 |
| Shakespeare | There's small choice in rotten apples |
223 |
| Cdin | U choose the quotes. if I don't like, i'll change my name to Fred Schwartz |
223 |
| Garfield | I never met a lasagna I didn't like |
223 |
| Garfield | If u want to look thinner, hang around people fatter than u |
222 |
| Barack Obama | I cannot swallow whole the view of Lincoln as the Great Emancipator |
222 |
| Garfield | Eat every meal as though it were your last |
222 |
| Jim Carrey | That John Denver's full of shit man |
222 |
| Mother Teresa | It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy |
222 |
| Phoebe Buffay | A house for dolls. That's great. When I was growing up I had a barrel |
222 |
| Will Smith | Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there |
222 |
| Will Smith | Wrapped so deliciously within my own joy and misery |
221 |
| Garfield | It's amazing how a nice day can turn into such a bummer |
221 |
| Will Smith | Now lookie here, you big, orange, Moby Dick |
220 |
| Barack Obama | Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions |
220 |
| Barack Obama | Well, if you've got book sales of $25 million, then you qualify |
220 |
| Garfield | If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider |
220 |
| John Cleese | Well, if you don't like duck, you're rather stuck |
220 |
| Will Smith | I think you've been deprived of oxygen at birth |
219 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Phoebe Buffay | Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya? |
218 |
| Garfield | Have you used your brain today? |
218 |
| Homer Simpson | Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut! |
218 |
| Oscar Wilde | Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative |
218 |
| Oscar Wilde | I suppose publishers are untrustworthy. They certainly always look it |
218 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to |
218 |
| Will Smith | Somehow, "I told you so" just doesn't quite say it |
217 |
| John Cleese | I knew it. I knew this would happen if we hired a Frenchman |
217 |
| John Cleese | The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip |
217 |
| Will Smith | Girl, you look so good, I would marry your brother just to get in your family |
216 |
| Garfield | Einstein's desk was this messy |
216 |
| Homer Simpson | No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip |
216 |
| Shakespeare | Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows |
216 |
| Will Smith | My horoscope says that I'm gonna be a famous rapper with a TV show |
215 |
| Alanis Morissette | We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect |
215 |
| Garfield | That boy wasn't born. He was found in a fortune cookie |
215 |
| Homer Simpson | I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is - and it's me |
215 |
| Phoebe Buffay | You would not hold up well under torture |
215 |
| Will Smith | Ding dong the cricket's dead, Ashley's grounded now you all go to bed |
214 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Homer Simpson | Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos |
214 |
| Phoebe Buffay | You Americans always butcher the French language |
214 |
| Shakespeare | He that is giddy thinks the world turns round |
213 |
| Aaliyah | If all artists wrote, what would writers do? |
213 |
| Jim Carrey | I like you a looot |
213 |
| Lasse Hallstrom |
I'm trying to lower my cholesterol, so now I'm fanatically anti-chocolate |
213 |
| Will Smith | Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father |
212 |
| Garfield | Good times are ahead! Or behind. Because they sure aren't here |
212 |
| Homer Simpson | Yeah, good things don't end with "eum", they end with "mania" or "teria" |
212 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Okay it just seems a little wild and you're so... vanilla |
212 |
| Phoebe Buffay | What kind of bitch hangs up on a doctor? |
212 |
| Will Smith | Sometimes I just be coughing for nothin! |
211 |
| Aristotle | Obstinate people can be divided into the opinionated, the ignorant, and the boorish |
211 |
| Garfield | So much time, so little to do |
211 |
| Jim Carrey | Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass |
211 |
| Montgomery Burns | No one will want to kiss me after this, eh, Smithers? |
211 |
| Nicole Kidman | I wouldn't want to be married to me, but luckily Tom Cruise does |
211 |
| Phoebe Buffay | When I play, I play for me! - I don't need your charity! |
211 |
| Will Smith | Girl, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all |
210 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Garfield | What we have here is a failure to communicate |
210 |
| John Cleese | I'm so sorry at the rubbish we get in here |
210 |
| John Cleese | Well that's worse. They invented it |
210 |
| John Cleese | You wouldn't understand, dear, it's called "style" |
210 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Well, if she isn't dead, cremating her was a big mistake |
210 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Yeah, well, in America you're just an ass |
210 |
| Will Smith | If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? |
209 |
| Garfield | The most active thing about me is my imagination |
209 |
| Homer Simpson | I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening |
209 |
| Homer Simpson | You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos |
209 |
| John Cleese | Hello, Fawlty titties |
209 |
| Will Smith | Yeeaaahhh shut up and get back inside, you're stretching the building |
208 |
| John Cleese | Did you ever see that film "How To Murder Your Wife"? |
208 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Watch, learn and don't eat my cookie |
207 |
| Barack Obama | It is true, I worry about the hype. The only person more over-hyped than me is you |
207 |
| Garfield | When I want in, I want in now! |
207 |
| Homer Simpson | Oh, so they have internet on computers now! |
207 |
| Phoebe Buffay | My God, it's like watching porn! |
207 |
| Will Smith | Damn, those are some big feet! |
206 |
| Homer Simpson | God bless those pagans |
206 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Oscar Wilde | In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane |
206 |
| Will Smith | I'm telling you, if you leave Scott now, it could haunt you for the rest of your life |
206 |
| Will Smith | You don't have to sell your soul and throw away your pride |
205 |
| Garfield | What am I, a piece of luggage? |
205 |
| Homer Simpson | Batman's a scientist?! |
205 |
| John Cleese | Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right |
205 |
| John Cleese | Sounds like somebody machine-gunning a seal |
205 |
| Phoebe Buffay | A promise between friends means never having to give a reason |
205 |
| Shakespeare | I cannot tell what the dickens his name is |
204 |
| Garfield | That's not a dog! That's a tongue with eyeballs! |
204 |
| Homer Simpson | I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos |
204 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us you were a doctor? |
203 |
| Garfield | Look! I did not come here to be insulted |
203 |
| Garfield | Never send a man to do a cat's job |
203 |
| Homer Simpson | Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs |
203 |
| Will Smith | It's your world squirrel, I'm just trying to get a nut |
202 |
| Garfield | You can bet it wasn't an exercise freak who invented power steering |
202 |
| Jim Carrey | Ssssssssmokin'! |
202 |
| John Cleese | No, not a bill! I own the place! |
202 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Phoebe Buffay | Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number |
202 |
| Will Smith | Why don't you just do me like Kunta Kinte and cut off my foot? |
201 |
| Garfield | The sooner we make a schedule, the faster we get behind |
201 |
| Will Smith | I thought he was selling condoms |
201 |
| Will Smith | Jean Claude Van Dam I'm fine! |
201 |
| Will Smith | You're going to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance |
200 |
| Garfield | It's pathetic the way some animals beg at the table. Where is your pride, Odie? |
200 |
| Will Smith | I ain't heard no fat lady! |
199 |
| Garfield | I'm not over-weight, I’m under-tall |
199 |
| Garfield | Love me, feed me, never leave me |
199 |
| John Cleese | Come on out! Rause! Rause! Rause! |
199 |
| Will Smith | If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day |
198 |
| Garfield | Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle of lasagna |
198 |
| Nicole Kidman | I love acting, but it's much more fun taking the kids to the zoo |
198 |
| Oscar Wilde | Mr. Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty |
198 |
| Shakespeare | I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it |
198 |
| Warren Buffet | I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me |
197 |
| Homer Simpson | I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again |
197 |
| Nicole Kidman | Life has got all those twists and turns. You've got to hold on tight and off you go |
197 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Will Smith | Roses are red, Violets are blue, Jazz and I are black, but, Carlton, what are you? |
196 |
| Garfield | I have to go to class. I need some sleep |
196 |
| John Cleese | Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests |
196 |
| Phoebe Buffay | You're like Santa Claus... on prozac... in Disney Land... getting laid |
195 |
| Garfield | Whoever invented Christmas trees should be dragged out into the street and shot |
195 |
| Homer Simpson | Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try |
195 |
| John Cleese | Yes it's her husband. She hasn't got over it. Died thirty years ago |
195 |
| Phoebe Buffay | I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it |
195 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Terry is a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk! |
195 |
| Phoebe Buffay | They don't know that we know they know we know |
195 |
| Will Smith | I'm gonna pop that little zit when I get home |
195 |
| Will Smith | Oh yeah, well the bigger badder man's about to beat the better man into oblivion |
194 |
| Aristotle | The young are permanently in a state resembling intoxication |
194 |
| Garfield | Yep. When the going gets tough, the great ones party |
194 |
| Homer Simpson | Rats. I almost had him eating dog food |
194 |
| Homer Simpson | What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts? |
194 |
| Jim Carrey | A lot of good love can happen in ten years |
194 |
| Phoebe Buffay | You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom |
194 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Will Smith | "Enter as boys, leave as men?" How long do they plan on keeping us here? |
194 |
| Will Smith | You are the dumbest smart person I have ever met |
193 |
| Garfield | Sore bottom, a little disorientated, but undeterred! |
193 |
| Lasse Hallstrom |
I'm on this diet where you're supposed to eat only fish and meat |
191 |
| Phoebe Buffay | I don't know about "Hulk", but I like the idea of a name starting with "The"! |
190 |
| Boris Becker | The only thing I had on my mind was tennis, and sometimes girls |
190 |
| Cdin | Just another seedy derogatory exploitation flick of the exotic Asian underbelly |
190 |
| Garfield | Have you tasted yourself lately? |
190 |
| Garfield | Leave me alone, I'm busy wallowing in self pity |
190 |
| Garfield | Why don't YOU watch where I'm going? |
190 |
| Homer Simpson | You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving |
190 |
| Jim Carrey | Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes |
190 |
| John Cleese | You'll have to sew em back on first! |
190 |
| Michael Phelps | Dude, I'm hosting SNL. That's one of the coolest things I could do! |
190 |
| Nicole Kidman | Let's make sure we have a party |
190 |
| Oscar Wilde | Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best |
190 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Someday you'll want to sleep with people so they'll like you |
190 |
| Garfield | Anybody can exercise. But this kind of lethargy takes real discipline |
189 |
| Garfield | So this is what it feels like to be potato salad |
189 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Garfield | What? There's a pumpkin on your head? I hadn't noticed |
189 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving |
188 |
| Garfield | I hate mornings. I like em better if they started later |
187 |
| Garfield | I'm not known for my compassion |
187 |
| John Cleese | Oh, splendid! Ah, yes, but "when", Mr O'Reilly? |
187 |
| John Cleese | We don't "have" any salad cream |
187 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do |
187 |
| Garfield | Life would be perfect, if it were one continuous coffee break |
186 |
| Garfield | Take me to your leader, earthling, or I'll atomize your face |
186 |
| Garfield | There was a dog that was so ugly, cars used to chase him! |
186 |
| Jim Carrey | All-righty then! |
186 |
| Will Smith | I'd like to Aunt Viv, really. But it's hard to get my groove on with an old woman |
186 |
| Garfield | Well take that stupid pumpkin off your head and I'll tell ya! |
185 |
| John Cleese | I'm sorry Michael Palin to say that you're not the funniest Palin anymore |
185 |
| Garfield | Don't you know insincere sincerity when you hear it? |
184 |
| Phoebe Buffay | I'm in Vice. Yeah, in fact, I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore |
184 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Vladimir Lenin | These parts of the work should be called: A best means for getting a headache! |
184 |
| John Cleese | Madam, I don't mean to pry, but do you by any chance have a hearing aid? |
183 |
| Aristotle | Hippocrates is an excellent geometer but a complete fool in everyday affairs |
182 |
| Garfield | Microwave lasagna. Possibly nature's most perfect food |
182 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Hi, kids. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me |
182 |
| John Cleese | Coming my little piranha fish |
181 |
| John Cleese | So this Finnish floozy is your karate teacher is she? |
181 |
| John Cleese | Yes well, forgive and forget, Major, God knows how, the bastards |
181 |
| Phoebe Buffay | Oh, that's not my name any more |
181 |
| Aaliyah | There are times I can't even figure myself out |
180 |
| Barack Obama | You're likeable enough, Hillary |
180 |
| Garfield | I'll rise, but I won't shine |
180 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| John Cleese | These "are" proper French-fried potatoes. The chef is Continental |
180 |
| Will Smith | And that Adams Apple thing is the best you could come up with? |
180 |
| Garfield | A little ego goes nowhere |
179 |
| Garfield | I hate diets. They're morally wrong. A stomach is a terrible thing to waste |
179 |
| Homer Simpson | C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU |
179 |
| Phoebe Buffay | You are such a leaf blower! |
179 |
| Garfield | Are Italians good to eat? |
178 |
| John Cleese | BASTARRRDDD! |
178 |
| Quentin Tarantino | Tell you what. Next time I do a movie, you can drive me to the set |
178 |
| Garfield | Get yourself lost. Take a powder for a couple days, get a haircut, and grow a beard |
177 |
| Homer Simpson | Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case |
177 |
| Homer Simpson | This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit |
177 |
| Homer Simpson | Well, I think the veal died of loneliness |
177 |
| Shakespeare | Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? |
177 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Garfield | I'm unraveling your dental floss |
176 |
| Will Smith | Hey, hey, hey man. Man, have I told you how thin you're lookin' lately? |
176 |
| Garfield | I'm not messy, I'm organizationally challenged |
175 |
| Jim Carrey | What do you mean you don't bet? Wussy! Wussy! |
175 |
| Sergio Falcon |
You know you're obsessed with Runescape when you yell "blue berry pie ftw!!!" |
175 |
| Will Smith | You know, I'd be happy to perscribe something for that |
175 |
| Barack Obama | Let's face it, my presence on this stage is pretty unlikely |
174 |
| Nicole Kidman | 5 feet, 2 inches and curvy, everything I always wanted to be |
174 |
| Oscar Wilde | Some do it with a bitter look |
174 |
| Jim Carrey | You never had a camera inside my head |
173 |
| Aaliyah | The Matrix is top secret. There isn't much that can be said right now |
172 |
| Bruce Lee | Boards don't hit back |
172 |
| Jim Carrey | Good day mate! Let's put another, shrimp on the barbi! |
172 |
| Garfield | When the lasagna content in my blood gets low, I get mean |
171 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Homer Simpson | Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning |
171 |
| John Cleese | You can get your wife to sit on em! |
170 |
| John Cleese | Get a hhhammer and hhhit you on the hhhead with it |
169 |
| John Cleese | Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear? |
169 |
| Will Smith | Ahhh please man we Eatin! |
169 |
| Garfield | Arrr, I be Orange Beard the Pirate Capn, an this be me first mate Odie the Stupid |
167 |
| Garfield | The Good, the Bad, and the Hungry |
167 |
| Garfield | You know it's Monday when you wake up, and it's Tuesday |
167 |
| Nicole Kidman | We know all the words. We like listening to it in the car and singing really loud |
166 |
| Tiger Woods | And I don't cook, either. Not as long as they still deliver pizza |
166 |
| Montgomery Burns | Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device! |
165 |
| Will Smith | Am I alone in this, or did y'all know he was white? I mean - tall |
165 |
| Garfield | It was declared a midnight snack |
164 |
| Montgomery Burns | Grow a spine on your own time, fatso. Now pie that Brownie, Fruitcake! |
163 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| Tiina Wang |
You know you're obsessed with Runescape when you shout "ftw!" in public |
163 |
| Garfield | I love the smell of Cinnamon Apple in the morning. It smells like victory |
160 |
| Vladimir Lenin | Every cook has to learn how to govern the state |
160 |
| Aaliyah | I have a PlayStaion at home and my favorite game is Resident Evil |
159 |
| Garfield | Wait a minute. His last name is "Schnitzel"? |
159 |
| Jim Carrey | I just figured she was a raging alcoholic! |
159 |
| John Cleese | Tie's a bit bright, isn't it, Major? |
159 |
| John Cleese | This is Basil's wife. This is Basil. This is a smack in the head |
158 |
| John Cleese | You can see the sea, it is over there between the land and the sky |
158 |
| John Cleese | Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount if we get them both done |
157 |
| Garfield | And that's a sign that the tank is full |
156 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
| David Beckham | I've got more clothes than Victoria |
155 |
| Garfield | Never leave your food dish under a bird cage |
155 |
| Will Smith | You also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday |
155 |
| Jim Carrey | I'm looking for Ray Finkle...and a clean pair of shorts |
151 |
| Homer Simpson | Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau? |
150 |
| John Cleese | Why "do" they call you sister? Is it a term of endearment? |
150 |
| Jim Carrey | I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart! |
149 |
| Boris Becker | For a year, I had all sorts of weirdos coming on to me |
148 |
| Garfield | Odie's going? Forget it, I'd rather be declawed than go camping |
148 |
| Montgomery Burns | Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds |
148 |
| Wang Tiina |
You know you're obsessed with Runescape when go to egypt for pyramid plunder |
148 |
| Garfield | Oh no! I overslept! I'm late ! For my nap |
147 |
| John Cleese | Er... that's duck without oranges or cherries |
146 |
| Short Funny Quotes - Ultimate ESQ Short Funny Quotes Collection |
